As you've probably figured out by the title this interview didn't happen. On the other hand I have heard every rumor, innuendo, thought, premise, idea, belief, opinion, sentiment, view, notion, impression, and feeling ( http://www.visualthesaurus.com) regarding Manny's recent departure from the Red Sox (http://boston.redsox.mlb.com). After assimilating all of that information I basically decided to assemble it in a mock interview.
Me: So Manny, you've spent eight years in Boston, won two World Series, hit your five-hundredth home run here, and basically became a no doubt, first ballot hall of famer (http://www.baseballhalloffame.org). Are you going to miss Boston?
Manny: Boston been good to me until now. They want to trade Manny? Manny going to make them sorry for that. The fans been good to me though you know?
Me: You seem angry that Boston traded you. Didn't you, in fact, do everything short of giving general manager Theo Epstein a wedgie to force a trade?
Manny: Just Manny being Manny man. It's my thing.
Me: Your thing? You assaulted a 64 year old man. You slapped a teammate in the face. You tried to fake an injury.
Manny: Well I know some things. They didn't want to give me a hundred million dollars no more and Manny like hundred million dollars. I'm gonna retire a Dodger now man.
Me: So reports of you wanting to play for the Yankees next year are false?
Manny: I grew up there man it would be like going home to play for the Yankees.
Me:Do you have any idea what you're saying?
Manny: Just Manny being Manny. You know?
Me:For the most part, people in Boston rooted for you, do you find it strange that no one really ever called you on not running the bases hard or being a horrible left fielder?
Manny:Nah man the fans know I don't like to field, or run, or pay attention too much. I just hit the ball. you know?
Me: Many people believe that this trade was orchestrated by your agent, Scott Boras, is there any truth to that?
Manny:No man. My agent is cool he just lets Manny be Manny, you know?
Me:Well the fact he is basically representing you for free made people wonder I think. Any comment?
Manny:See, people don't know nothing. My agent gets four percent of my deal. I made one-hundred and eighty million dollars. That means Scott got like ninety-thousand bucks or something.
Me:Manny, your old agent, Jeff Moorad, got that money. Remember Jeff? Moorad? Made you insanely wealthy once? Ring a bell?
Manny: (smiling) Just Manny being...
Me: (Interrupting) If you say Manny being Manny again I'm going to stick a pencil in your eye.
Manny:Oh!
Me:You do of course realize you aren't getting better as you age correct? I mean why would someone pay you more now than they would when you were 26 for example?
Manny:If people like Manny they give Manny one-hundred million. If not I'll go play baseball in Japan. Scott told me I'm big in Japan.
Me:Last Question. Do you feel like you broke your word as a man by signing a huge contract and then being an incredible arse and forcing a trade so you could be a free agent at the end of the year?
Manny:No. I'm Manny Ramirez man. I'm a big kid just playing baseball man. No one be mad at at Manny right? Yo man you got a PSP or something? I'm bored.
Me: No.
Manny: Manny's out of here don't like to be bored man.
Editors Note: Since being traded to the Dodgers (http://losangeles.dodgers.mlb.com) Manny's batting average is roughly .439. He has four home runs and 17 RBI. It is downright scary to think of what a motivated Manny Ramirez could have done in Boston as they made a playoff run. If Manny had played this well in Boston and then informed the team of his plan to blow up the clubhouse if they brought him back he would have gotten his huge contract and been able to shoot his way out of town after the playoffs. Unfortunately, Manny...being Manny, did the borderline mentally challenged thing and proved to every GM in baseball he is the whining, petulant, quitter, we always argued a bit too loudly he wasn't.
Until Tomorrow---JK
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